1. What's 18 inches long and makes women scream? Crib Death.

2. A baby Harp Seal walks into a CLUB.... Get it? A CLUB...... SEAL.....CLUB. Folks, these are the jokes!

3. A red neck has sex with his sister. Afterwards, she says, "You fuck a lot better than daddy does." "I should, mommy taught everything I know"

4. A black man walks into a bar and says, "I have a twelve inch dick, and I like to fuck white women with it." A drunk at the other end of the bar said, "Hey, I wouldn't want to fuck a black chick either."

5. An old women decides she want to have sex again with her husband so she undresses and stands on her head and waits for her husband to come home from the bar. When he walks in the house half drunk and half blind from not wearing his glasses, he sees her there by the door and says, "For Christ sakes Emma! Would you put your teeth in and brush your hair!"

6. Two morticians were talking and one says, "You HAVE to come into the back room. There's a female corpse back there that has a prawn sticking out of her vagina." The other says," WHAT! You're crazy!" So he goes in the back room and looks. "That's not a Prawn, you idiot! That's her clitoris!" "Gosh, it sure tasted like a prawn!" The other relied.

7. A pedophile is taking a six year old into the woods at night. She starts to cry, "I'm scared!" "How do you think I feel" the Pedophile replied, "I have to walk out of these woods alone."

8. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She gagged.

9. Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her. "Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked. "Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong." They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her. "It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this sweater!"

10. It's the day after Christmas and two kids are comparing notes about what they'd gotten. The first kid says "What'd you get?" The second kid replies, "Man, I made out! I got Power Rangers stuff, Nintendo, a new bike, a Walkie -Talkie set, a stereo, and a whole lot more! What'd you get?" "Ah, I just got a baseball glove and bat," says the first kid. "Wow, that's pretty rough," says the second kid. The first kid says, "Yeah, well I'm not dying of cancer."

11. "Don't you hate it when you're kissing your Grandma and suddenly the coffin lid falls and hits you in the head? Ouch!"

12. A guy's screwing this girl and she says, "Excuse me, but isn't it a presumptuous to assume you can screw me on our first date? "Well, yeah" the man replies, "But isn't PRESUMPTUOUS a big word for a first grader to be using?"

13. A man call into work sick. This is the conversation.
Man: "Boss, I can't come into today. I'm really sick. I've been in bed all day."
Boss: "WHAT! Are you crazy? This is the day we are meeting with our most important account!!"
Man: "Sorry boss, I'm REALLY sick."
Boss: "Just HOW sick can one man be?"
Man: "Well for starters, right now I'm fucking my 5 year old daughter."

14. What's the difference between a child molester and a Greyhound Dog? The Greyhound Dog waits until the hairs out of the box. (HARE ... like rabbit)

15. An eighteen year old is sucking on the breast of a 90 year old woman when he notices a white milky substance coming from her breast. He says to her, "Hey, aren't you a bit old to have milk in your breasts?" She replies, "Yeah Sonny, but I'm not to old for breasts cancer!"

16. A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."

17. Two men are talking at work and one says, "The reason Paul isn't at work today is that he's home sick from a hangover. He was blowing chunks all last night." The other man says, "He stayed home just because he was blowing chunks all night?" "You don't understand" the first man replied... "Chunks is his dog!"

18. What do 1000 battered women have in common?
None of them will "shut up and listen".

19. A little boy is walking down the street and finds a Welder's mask. He puts it on and is flipping the face plate up and down when a limo pulls up next to him. Inside is a perverted old man who says, "Excuse me little boy, do you know what Sodomy is?" The little boy ignores him and keeps walking, flipping the Welders mask up and down. The old man persists, "Excuse me little boy, have you ever performed oral sex on an old man?" Finally, the little boy looks at the old man and says, "Look mister, I'm gonna level with you. I'm not really a Welder. I found this mask!"

20. A little boy was taking a shower with his mother and he looks between her legs and asks, "Mommy, what's that?" "Well honey", she replied, "that's where God touched me with a Golden Ax."
The little boy then said, "Ouch, didn't that hurt getting smacked right in the cunt with an ax!"

21. What's better then winning the Gold at the Special Olympics?
Walking.

22. One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt an said "you know, if you'd firm this up, we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of tolerable, she thought herself better and responded with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on her breast and said, "You know, if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra. "This was beyond the silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "you know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother!"

23. The Pope and a Bishop were seated next to each other on an airplane, the Pope was doing a crossword puzzle. He leaned over to the Bishop and asked, "Excuse me, can you think of a four letter word that ends with "N-T" that describes a female relative? The Bishop thinks for a second and replies, "Why yes, A-U-N-T!"
"Ahhhh! Thank you!" the Pope responded. "Do you have an eraser I could borrow?"

24. A man is taking a shower with his 6 year old daughter when she asks, "Daddy, what's that between your legs?" "That's a Penis, honey." He replied "When am I gonna get one of those?" she asked innocently. "As soon as Mommy goes to the Mall." He replied

25. A man comes home drunk one night and so he doesn't get into too much trouble he decides to orally satisfy his wife. He goes under the covers and does the deed. Afterwards, he decides to wash the unpleasant taste from his mouth and goes to the bathroom. Sitting on the toilet seat is his wife. "How the hell did you beat me into the bathroom?" He asks amazed. "SHHHH!" She replied "Quiet, you'll wake mother. She's spending the night!"

26. A man walks into a restaurant and sees on the menu:
Ham Sandwich................... $2.00
Turkey Sandwich................ $2.00
Hand Jobs........................ $10.00
He says to the waitress, "Are you the waitress that gives the hand jobs?"
"Why, yes I am sir!" she replied.
"Then GO WASH YOUR HANDS!" he replied. "I want a ham sandwich!"

27. A cop pulls a motorist over using a radar gun and asks the motorist, "Buddy, do have any God dam idea how fast you were going?" The man replied, "No sir, you have the radar gun, you tell me." "You were going 70 mph in a 55 mph zone! You're gonna now have to pay a huge fine and look at you, it looks like you haven't had a job in years. You look like a bum!" the cop screamed. The motorist the replied, "Why I have a great job! I'm a cunt stretcher." "A WHAT?" the cop asked. "I'm a cunt stretcher" the man said. "I first put my finger inside a woman's cunt and then I put another in, then another, then my whole hand, then both hands, until eventually she has a six foot cunt." The cop looked aghast. "What the HELL is a person gonna do with a six foot cunt, boy?" The motorist then replied, "Give him a radar gun and hide him behind a billboard."

28. Two woman were riding bikes together when it started to get dark outside. A little nervous about getting lost, one says to the other, "Helga, I'm a little concerned, I've never come this way before." Helga replied, "Don't worry, it's just the Cobblestones."

29. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.

30. What does a tight rope walker and a man getting oral sex from a 90 year old woman gave in common? Neither look down.

31. Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky." The second man said, "My Carl was a fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake. "The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

32. Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck his dick.

33. A couple has been married for 50 years and are celebrating their anniversary. The wife asks what the husband wants for their anniversary and he replies, "I would like you to perform oral sex on me. In the 50 years we have married NEVER have you ONCE done this to me."

34. She replies, "It's just that I'm afraid that you won't respect me afterwards."
"Won't respect you afterwards! he yells, we have been married for 50 years for Christ sakes!"

35. "OK! OK! I'll do it just this one time!" She then bends down and gives him oral sex until he has an orgasm in her mouth. Immediately afterwards she runs to the bathroom. The phone rings next to the bed and he picks it up. He then yells to his wife, "Hey Cock sucker! it's for you!"

36. A woman wants to have surgery to have her vagina tightened and tucked for her husband as an anniversary gift. She tells the surgeon that NOBODY must know about the operation. It must be kept a secret! The surgeon agrees and after the operation he stops by to visit the patient. She is furious and yells, "I thought this operation was supposed to be a secret! THERE ARE THREE SETS OF FLOWERS ON MY DRESSER!"
"Take it easy" the Doctor says. The first set are from me and the second set are from the Anesthesiologist."
"Well, how about the third set?" She asks.
The Doctor goes over and looks at the card. "Ah! They are from the little kid in the burn ward thanking you for the new ears."

37. A girl is at her rape trial and is asked by the judge, "Can you describe for the jury just exactly what the defended did to you Miss?" "Well, your Honor" she replied in a hushed tone, "First he ripped off my blouse and fucked me between my titties. Then he forced me to take off my panties and he fucked me twice in my vagina. Then he ordered me to roll over and he fucked me hard in my ass. Then he came all over my face and my hair!" "And then what'd he do, Miss Smith?" The judge asked. "That's all your Honor." she sobbed. "NO!" cried the judge as he stood up with his hard cock in his hand, "Make SOMETHING UP QUICK!!!!"

38. A boy comes home from school and his mother asks him what he did in school today. "I had sex with my teacher!" the boy relied. "YOU WHAT?" the mother screamed. "You just wait until your father gets home, young man! Now get upstairs to your room!" Later that evening the father comes home and is told about his sons escapades at school that day. He goes into his sons room and puts his arm around the boy. "Son", he says, "I suppose I should be mad at you but I just can't help but be proud of you. I mean, what I wouldn't have given to do that at your age! In fact, I'm so proud I'm going to buy you a new bike! How's that?" The boy replies, "Gee, thanks anyway Dad but my ass is still kind of sore from school."

39. A man asks his married friend if he has ever had anal sex and he replied, "Why yes, quit often."
"Well", the friend asked, "do you enjoy it?" "Not at all!" said the man. "Well, then does that
mean your wife enjoys it?" "No No No, she HATES it!" the man replied. "Then why for
God sakes do you do it?" his friend asked. "Well. the kids seem to enjoy it." He replied.

40. A black couple is having breakfast in a diner. The husband looks across the table at his wife and says, "Pass the sugar, Sugar." So a Jewish couple is sitting next to them. The husband overhears that and looks across the table at his wife and says, "Pass the honey, Honey." So a Polish couple is sitting next to them. The husband overhears that and looks across the table at his wife and says, "Pass the bacon, you fat pig."

41. This guy walks into a bar down in Texas and orders a white wine. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around here where you from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender asks, "What do you do up in Pennsylvania?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist ... what the hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says "I mount dead animals." The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

42. A drunk walks out of a bar and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she falls to the ground he begins kicking her and screaming, " You're not so tough tonight are you Batman!"

43. Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We havespecial requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it.""Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, wereyou able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,"the young man replied sadly. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We know," said the young man, "we're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."

44. A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his homosexuality from his parents, goes over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. Sitting down at the kitchen table, he lets out a big sigh and says, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

45. His mother made no reply, and the guy was about to repeat it, when sheturned to him and said calmly, "You're gay? Doesn't that mean you putother men's penises in your mouth?" Nervously, the guy said, "Uh, yeah, Mom, well I guess so." His mother went back to stirring the pot.

46. Suddenly, she whirled around and whacked him over the head with her spoon, saying, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!

47. Why do pedophiles love Halloween?
Free delivery.

48. Two men were in a pub sitting at the bar and staring into their drinks. The first guy gets a curious look on his face and asks, "Hey, Bill!You ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?" "Yep, says Bill, I been married to one for fifteen years."

49. What's the difference between lesbians and wheat thins?
One is a snack cracker, the other is a crack snacker.

50. Why did God give women yeast infections?
So they can know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt.